So the past month or so I haven’t really been active on here, I’ve been really lost in my own mind and really struggling to break free. This has led me to this latest blog post! Its going to be a bit different from my usual fashion based posts but hopefully it will help someone who’s stuck in a similar place to me.
Unless your a friend of mine you wont know that last year after struggling with post natal depression for moths I was finally told that I have a personality disorder, to be precise a borderline personality disorder. At first I was relieved I could finally understand why my moods changed so fast, why I have always been so paranoid that I’m a bad person or why I struggle so much to maintain relationships (whether that be friendships, boyfriends or family.)
I would spend hours researching how I could control the way I act or why I act this way. This led me to page after page of negative answers. telling me things such as I will never be able to be a good mother as I will manipulate my children’s lives or that I will never have a stable relationship as no one will ever be able to cope with the way I act.
For months now I have been stuck in this destructive path, criticising my every move, not allowing myself to be actually happy, taking my mood swings out on those I love and finally distancing myself from reality.
I’ve spent the past few months hiding away in bed constantly choosing to sleep rather than deal with my issues but I’m finally going to change that.
I’m going to use my blog to show that just because you have been told you have a mental health issue and the internet tells you that makes you a bad person. to show that no matter how bad of a light it paints people with BPD we are not just the things it states us to be. I happen to be a loving mother that try’s her hardest to always put her children first. A really generous person that gives away every penny I have in order to make others happy and a loyal friend (despite being paranoid that everyone is plotting behind my back and secretly hates me) I know that no matter what if someone needs me I will be there.
I hope that in some way this will help other people in a similar place to me to find a way to cope with everyday life rather than hide away!
If your really struggling please speak to someone! You can find information on different sources of help here :- GET HELP! (NHS)